10-26-14

Being driven to the depths of my despair
I looked up only to see you there
Looking in I didn’t see
Anyone that even resembled me
Heart broke and eyes swell because I knew
That it should be me next to you
Passing by at a steady pace
You were going to that very place

That I so dearly miss
Amongst other things especially your kiss
The bond that sealed our souls
Two become one
Youngest daughter oldest son

Holding hands
Making plans
Sing a song
Keep moving along

I close my eyes to stare into yours
Looking deep
Seeing the love behind them
Engulfed by the warmth of the raging fire
I am you and you are me
Together may we always be
Baby

Hanging on to hope
But it is painful
The days and nights pass
But the love lasts
It doesn’t fade
Yesterdays memories
Carry me through

Open my eyes
Your tailights fading into the horizon
If we can dream it
We can do it
I’m sorry it took me so long
To understand and open myself to vulnerability
If you allow your eyes could see
It’s just me

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One Pink Rose

HVBBXOXO

Miss my best friend and soul mate

One Pink Rose

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Filled with Love

After a long weekend of meetings, golf and football, my friends and I returned tired and letdown by Saturday’s game.  Since I had a meeting scheduled Friday, I had invited two of my friends to travel with me on Thursday.  With a rental car in hand and reservations at the Embassy Suites we rolled into town hoping for the best but returning with questions about the football program’s future.  Once we returned I dropped both guys off and went down the street to gas up the rental for return in the morning.

There she was, hair up in a t-shirt and shorts, filling up her car for the week.  She was the last person I expected to see and my heart melted at the sight of her.  She has lost so much weight I initially didn’t recognize her.  But once she turned in my direction there was no doubt who I was staring at.

A huge lump grew in my throat and my heart filled with the love that still grows inside me.  Tears flowed freely as the pain became so real again.  It was all I could do from rolling down my window and calling out ‘BABY’.  But I did what I promised her two years ago – respect her space and privacy.  I drove off watching as she finished her transaction and drove away.

I can remember going with her to the filling station and pumping gas.  I was always greeted with a kiss, a smile and hug.

Seeing her I could smell her skin, as she was freshly bathed.  I could see the distance in her eyes as the result of my ignorance in treating her so badly.  There was never anyone else, but I was forced to choose my family relationship over her.

There is not a day that goes by where I don’t suffer the regret of making her the second choice.  I miss her so very much – more than words could even express.  Even as I type my emotions are all over the place.

I choose to protect others over her when she was the only thing that mattered in my life other than my children.  But my children are quickly growing and are out of my daily life.  So I am left without the one thing I crave most – happiness.  I do not want to be miserable the latter part of my life but I’ve set myself up for just that.  I am lonely.

Why God allowed me to see her yesterday – only He knows.  I wish I could take it as a positive sign, but right now I do not know.  I keep holding out hope that the wall I helped her build will be broken down by the everlasting love that continues to bind us forever.

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2 years

After almost two years have passed since I last saw her in person.  Sure I’ve seen her picture in the paper and that is what kept me going.  The first section I check every Sunday is the community section of the paper where those pictures appear.  I live for those.  While waiting for the traffic light to change that all ended.  I saw her.  She turned onto the street as I was waiting for the traffic light to change.  It was hard to make out her features since the tint on the car’s windows was dark but I could still see her.  She was wearing one of her undershirts – brown with spaghetti straps.  I could see her long, flowing, wavy hair.  She was a beautiful sight to behold.  She turned into a parking lot.  I didn’t know if she had seen me, but thinking she had I thought she had stopped.  I doubled back but noticed another car had parked next to hers.

My heart sank, my head spun.  I didn’t see anyone in the other car so I surmised that that person had joined her in the car.

All I could think about was the countless times we did the same thing.  I remember always the anticipation of seeing her and the excitement we shared when we saw each other.  I recall sliding into her car, watching her with eyes wide open feeling the immense love as our hearts connected.  The look in her eyes, the scent of her body, the touch of her skin, the beating of our hearts.  It was always – and I mean always – magic.  As I drove past I could only think those thoughts and a cry came from deep in my soul.  A cry I had never experienced before.  It was a profound sense of loss that continues to linger.  Don’t get me wrong I miss her immensely.  But this was unlike anything else that I had felt.  I grieved the rest of the day – and continue to do so.  I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep.  So I prayed.

I pray for her every day without fail.  Since her birthday two years ago I have been praying a three year prayer.  I always pray three Hail Mary’s for her every night.  I talk to God about her throughout the day and pray a rosary on Thursday and Sundays for her.  I always ask God that he watch over her and protect you and give her peace, happiness, comfort, and success.  In front of the Blessed Sacrament at adoration I always tell God – Your will be done. 

I am sorry for pushing her away.  I never wanted to do that.  I never wanted to have her look for another confidant; another person she could trust, another she could laugh and cry with.  And that saddens me.  I am so in love with her and I know it will never, ever go away.  I always remember the very first time we said ‘I love you’ to one another.  When I said it, I did love her but that love has grown exponentially over time and it doesn’t stop growing.  It is amazing how love grows.  I didn’t understand love until she taught me what it was to love.  I don’t know how to stop it, but I don’t want it to go away – and I know it won’t.  For two years I have been alone.  I keep everything bottled up inside.  There is no one I want to share anything with, except her.  God is showing me and allowing me to feel what she experienced during the time we were together.  I took her for granted and now I understand, and it brings me to tears when I think of all of the hurt I caused to the one person that means everything to me.

I have done my best to not get in her way.  But for some reason I was destined to see her yesterday – if only for briefly.

I still hope we can sit together again and share unconditionally.  I know in the past I was not always up front and honest with her and for that I apologize as well. I have nothing to hide from her anymore.  She has told me how difficult it would be for us to meet and I certainly respect those feelings – and always will.  But if there is ever a time when she needs to talk something out – or even just say hello – I hope she will think about me and call or message me.

 It will be one year that dad passed.  We are having an anniversary mass in for him on Sunday and blessing the headstone on Saturday.  I am going to talk to dad and tell him more about her.  I want him to know.  He wouldn’t listen while he was alive – I hope know that he’s with me in spirit that he can see the real dynamic of what I experience.

I am not a stalker or will do anything that is going to make her uncomfortable – I love and respect her too much to do something like that.  Please don’t forget me bb.  I love you yesterday, today and forever.

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