Filled with Love

After a long weekend of meetings, golf and football, my friends and I returned tired and letdown by Saturday’s game.  Since I had a meeting scheduled Friday, I had invited two of my friends to travel with me on Thursday.  With a rental car in hand and reservations at the Embassy Suites we rolled into town hoping for the best but returning with questions about the football program’s future.  Once we returned I dropped both guys off and went down the street to gas up the rental for return in the morning.

There she was, hair up in a t-shirt and shorts, filling up her car for the week.  She was the last person I expected to see and my heart melted at the sight of her.  She has lost so much weight I initially didn’t recognize her.  But once she turned in my direction there was no doubt who I was staring at.

A huge lump grew in my throat and my heart filled with the love that still grows inside me.  Tears flowed freely as the pain became so real again.  It was all I could do from rolling down my window and calling out ‘BABY’.  But I did what I promised her two years ago – respect her space and privacy.  I drove off watching as she finished her transaction and drove away.

I can remember going with her to the filling station and pumping gas.  I was always greeted with a kiss, a smile and hug.

Seeing her I could smell her skin, as she was freshly bathed.  I could see the distance in her eyes as the result of my ignorance in treating her so badly.  There was never anyone else, but I was forced to choose my family relationship over her.

There is not a day that goes by where I don’t suffer the regret of making her the second choice.  I miss her so very much – more than words could even express.  Even as I type my emotions are all over the place.

I choose to protect others over her when she was the only thing that mattered in my life other than my children.  But my children are quickly growing and are out of my daily life.  So I am left without the one thing I crave most – happiness.  I do not want to be miserable the latter part of my life but I’ve set myself up for just that.  I am lonely.

Why God allowed me to see her yesterday – only He knows.  I wish I could take it as a positive sign, but right now I do not know.  I keep holding out hope that the wall I helped her build will be broken down by the everlasting love that continues to bind us forever.